Inspirational post

A parent of a former student is doing something very sweet for her daughter, she is making a collection book of inspirational quotes, advice for her daughter as a present.

She has three kids (the mom, not the daughter) and all three are teens and she has the time to think about something like this.  Color me impressed at her super mom skills.

So I think to myself, what can I possibly say to a young woman studying to go into the profession I just left?

College is fun.  You will always look back on your time and remember it fondly.  Some of your greatest friends will be from your years at University.

You will learn a lot about yourself in four years.  You will grow up quickly and have some of the same feelings like you did in high school ("Oh those freshmen are so young!  Ugh!") but it's also a time for you to really find cool very specific things that you are passionate about and really work on it.

Enjoy the university library.  There are so many cool resources there that you will never have access to again as a "grown up."

If you really admire a professor take their advice and if you don't like a professor don't worry about what they say.  It is so easy to get caught up in worrying about what your professors think or say about you.  However just like you and me, they have good days and bad days.  Don't let some goofy remark ever crush your spirit or change how you feel about your own worth as a student/musician.

Yes, there are people there smarter and more talented than you.  So what!?!  They do not have your individual skills and life experience.  I met some fantastic musicians in college but they were terrible socially.  They were even worse in the classroom.  Talent and intelligence does not always translate into usable skill.  Some people will be the star all the way to graduation and then you will never hear or see from them again.  They didn't go into that field, they ended up doing something else.  I know so many performance majors that went into something completely different after (real estate, financial secretary, marketing, librarian) even though they were the best in their studio.

Music is a passion.  Studying music can suck the joy out of it.  Even Eric Whitacre talks about it.
You need to focus on what you love and not worry about the other stuff.  It can be hard sometimes when you are analyzing EVERYTHING and studying EVERYTHING and you start to hate EVERYTHING (yes this is an amazing run on sentence...) but you know what!?!?  There will be a time in the not so distant future when you will not have to analyze everything.  You will be able to go back to just simply enjoying music without potentially tearing it apart.


NOW as for teaching.


You are awesome, caring and extremely intelligent.  Regardless of where you choose to go or what you choose to do-you have much more than many ever will.  So keeping that in mind, keep an open mind.  Do not do (what I did) and put an insane amount of pressure on yourself to do or be something very specific.  Be flexible and open to try new things.

When I was in college I really wanted to go into Music Anthropology because traveling and studying culture sounded so much more cool than anything else in the world.  I then realized that there are very small circles of the world that allow someone to make any kind of living in that profession.

Teaching is kind of like anthropology.  You are placed in a specific culture, town, social economic status and you then get to study the children, parents and community.   As an outsider many might not trust you at first but with your personality the good ones will warm to you quickly.  You will have lots of fun but you will also face challenges wherever you go.  Kids are kids at the end of the day.  They want to know someone cares about them and has their best interest at heart.  Kids tend to dislike and not trust the teachers that do not seem to care about them.  Even if a kid DRIVES YOU INSANE by their personality or poor behavior, try to care about them anyways.  It can be very difficult, but sometimes you will be the only person they will see who is positive to them.  That is a gift that will always last in their memory.

As for favorites.  Every person I know tends to gravitate towards someone a little more than someone else.  There's just better chemistry I guess.  Try your absolute best to not show favor to them over others.  If you are going to do something special for your students-do it for all of them, not just the good ones.  I strongly believe poor achieving kids want to do better, they just need to be supported the right way to do it.  Often peer pressure will beat anything you say.  Try to get charismatic, happy and funny kids involved in your program.  They will inspire the lower achievers to work harder.  I did not say popular by they way.  Popular doesn't mean better in some cases.

Try to see something special and unique in every kid.

If you can keep a little notebook somewhere and make a note next to each kids name.
For example:  "Tara finds a way to incorporate purple into her clothes everyday.  Talk to her about it, find out why"  Then when you get more info write it in.  It's easy to forget things when you interact with over 100 kids a day.

It will also help you remember names and other important information later throughout the year.

You will love your kids, even the "bad" ones.  They will become a big part of your life and that is definitely the perk of the job.


As for you-while studying music and while teaching.  Get stuff to do away from your subject/job.
Swim laps, go on hikes, play candy crush, go on walks with friends, volunteer with your church, heck ANYTHING so you can give yourself a break from the intensity of what you are doing.  Yes, there will be crunch time with lots of difficult things to do and you wont have enough time to use the bathroom or eat, let alone hike-but try to give yourself a break anyways.  It will keep you much more sane when the pressure is on.   At the end of the day-if you are unhappy doing what your doing, you aren't doing yourself any favors.

Last but not least-do not be afraid to ask for help.  Do it often and try to keep an open mind about the help you receive.   Just like God's blessings, you might not get what you think you wanted but you will always get you need.

slow and steady

Today I had an appointment with my Nutritionist/Dietitian.

We went over my food choices/diet and I asked her a handful of questions that have been in my mind lately about what some keto people try on their diet.

She was happy that I lost 6 pounds from when I saw her.  She said I am making great progress.

The thing about pcos is weight loss is always SLOW.  Annoyingly slow.  

I hate to say it but I get impatient.  I feel bad about myself.
I long for the day when...fill in the blank.

Weight loss is more than a number on a scale.

It's about feeling comfortable in your own skin.

People treat you very differently when you are thin verses when you are big.

When you are thin, people are much nicer to you.  Especially as a woman, men are much nicer to you.  I guess if you look attractive you are worthy of their kindness (note sarcasm.)  I don't understand why so many men act that way-it's pretty terrible.

Women are hard on other women, almost always.
I do not even think I need to explain that.

The only thing I am guilty of is getting frustrated and angry that there are many women out there that do not have to work out and can eat anything they want-yet they are always a trim figure and are well toned.  They do not have to worry about their macros or their workout schedule.

They wear cute clothes or normal clothes that look cute on them no matter what they do, because they are naturally thin. 

When you are bigger, it takes a lot of effort to find things to flatter or cover you.

When you are very large it's about hiding your body.  Hiding your flaws.  

There is a lot psychologically messed up about that.

There is a shame that comes with a large body that doesn't occur with a thin body.

I go to many exercise classes-I work out between 90 minutes to two hours nearly every day.

I'll give myself a break day-once a week or twice a week if I am extremely sore from my work out the day before.  However I am normally perpetually sore from working out.   I push myself everyday to be stronger because I refuse to go backwards.

However I can tell you, when you walk into a class and you're one of the largest girls there-the looks the thin ones give you are enough to make you want to walk back out.   But I always stay.  I think to myself-I am carrying a lot more weight than you but I am going to not only the same exact work out but I am going to make it my mission to do it better than you.

I am going to keep up with you.
I am going to go farther than you.

For every nasty condescending look you send my way I will use that as my fuel to be stronger than you.  I will defeat you because you have NO IDEA how strong I am.  You have NO IDEA what I have been through.  When I am finished there will be no question in your mind that I am not only worthy to be in the same class as you but I am far more than an equal.

Also I don't understand the point of going halfway when you made the effort to exercise.
You might as well get the maximum result (for you of course) if you're going to work out.

So I push myself everyday-in some way.

I get so frustrated.

I want to fit into smaller clothes. I don't want just my current clothes to be baggy-I want to be able to toss my current clothes in the trash bag.

I was told though-it takes time to heal the body when you have a condition like mine.
I need to be patient.

So how do I do it?

I pray.  I pray about my health, my fertility and hormonal problems, I pray about my weight.  

I pray for courage, patience and the continued drive to keep going.

Food isn't the enemy at all.  I have no issue with my diet.

I feel the best I have felt in years.  So something is going right.

I am past feeling disappointed in myself for getting to be the size I am.  I understand that my condition set me up for failure and I didn't know what I was up against.  Now I do.  I am going to work hard everyday to get better.    I might not ever get back to being thin again but I sure as heck will try to work hard every day to be better than I was yesterday.  Wherever I end up from there will be fine by me.

I just need to keep moving slow and steady...

There's more to life than....

So for many years my identity as an adult was completely defined by my job.

I loved my work-I loved how it was never boring and how I could always be creative.  Nothing was ever the same.  I laughed every day.  I also cried sometimes or got angry enough to take it home with me.  It would sit in my heart grind me down.

I lost myself in my job, it's all I thought about most of the time.  I worried about how to be better constantly.  I worried on how to do a better job.  I was so focused on my work.  

I was that person  that talked "shop" when I was socially out.   I realize now that drove more people away.  Most people do not talk work outside of work.  I never could turn it off because it was always on my mind.  There were always problems to solve and challenges to overcome.  When I conquered those issues I felt incredible.

I was doing a great job.  I built up my program and people noticed.  I did it all on my own.  Just hard work for nine years.

So then, when I was told to leave my job, that it was making me not only sick but worse, I felt as though I was dumped in a pool of ice water without warning.

I was so tired of questions being unanswered.  I was so tired of feeling bad.

When I came home from work (or the gym after work) I barely had anything left for my family.  My job consumed all of me and unfortunately there wasn't much emotionally or physically left for home.

I had to go to acupuncture to help manage my stress and anxiety from the stress from my job.

But she said I wasn't in good shape.  So I was spending hundreds of dollars to help me deal with my job.

After looking over the pros and cons financially of working verses staying home as a mom, I realized that my health couldn't take the back seat any longer.

I had to take charge of it.   

My job (even if it was my passion) was just a job.  I could always go back to work.

I couldn't always go back to trying to be healthy, or focus on my family.

My little girl would not be little for too much longer.

So now I'm stripped of my identity as a choral director.
I lost a few hundred kids that I saw every day and worked with to try to teach them to love music.

I lost dozens of relationships on a daily basis.  

I lost a part of me.  Almost like an amputation of a limb.  I keep having phantom feelings for it.
I keep dreaming about work.  Some days I wake up thinking about "Oh I need to drive to work."

Then I realize, no I don't...

So now I need to find out what what my identity and life is now.

Find out there is more to life than a job.  What am I?

I don't know yet, but it is exciting to find out.

Things I miss

This will be a the traditional whiney "things I miss"  since my doctor told me


"You will never be able to eat carbs for the rest of your life"


Yes, part of me died that day.


I love food.  I have always loved food.
To the pride of my grandparents I was the kid that would eat "ANYTHING" and was up for trying anything.  Even if I hated something, I would still eat it if I was served it.

I have a love affair with curries, naan and all things Indian.
When I was pregnant I had an amazing piano student who brought me fantastic Indian treats-pretty sure that saved me on my 12-14 hour days with just pure joy.

I love really good amazing Italian food.  Duh-who doesn't?

When I went to France I went to a restaurant "La Mer" in Nice, I believe  and had a near religious experience with the 5 course meal we had.  If I lived in France, I think I would be the happiest girl in the world.

I am passionate about cooking.  Ever since I can remember I helped my mom cook, traditional bake cookies-marathon Christmas cookie baking.  My favorite was Baklava-I was never allowed to make it (it's a hard process) until I got older.  Now it's my favorite traditional dessert to make-and everyone who tries my famous family recipe falls in love as well.

I love Asian food, with a Vietnamese Aunt, I was quite spoiled with amazing spring rolls and other great food escapades as a kid.  My other Aunt was an amazing chef and cooked amazing vegetarian and ethnic foods whenever I visited.  Then we would visit her mother in law in Kentucky and have the best homemade southern cooking you could ever have.

I have a sweet tooth-dark chocolate is my guilty pleasure.  But I swoon over pastries.  Whenever I travel I always hit up the local pastry shop and ask the pastry chef what to try.  I just blindly trust whatever they suggest.  I am never disappointed.


Food to me is an adventure.  I can travel to Hong Kong, or I can travel to Serbia (which is where my mom's family is from) and get a taste of culture I've never been able to experience in person.

There is something so extremely special in that.


But-when you cut out carbs.....


All of it changes.  All of it.


I miss wine.  I miss beer.

My family always drinks wine with meals-beer on a hot day, or at a ball game.  It's something I just grew up around.  I don't crave hard liquor or anything like that.

I miss a cool class of white one at the end of a hot day.  I miss a robust red wine that feels like a firecracker in my mouth with all the intense flavors.


But-there's something worth more than all these things I miss-
a baby.


I think I would miss that more.

I think if I broke down and stopped right now-that would be it.

I would gain my weight back, my symptoms would get worse and I would inevitably end up infertile.

I've seen so many heartbreaking posts by women who are infertile due to PCOS.  Lives, families, marriages destroyed due to PCOS.

If I have the ability to make myself better-I better well do it.  I owe it to those thousands of women who CANNOT have babies because PCOS has ruined their lives.

If I gave up now for a stupid glass of wine or a piece of naan-there would be no turning back.

I owe it to them and myself to keep going.

So for the things I miss-I don't miss you THAT MUCH.
I will always miss you-you've been in my life for 31 years,
but I have the rest of my life to think about.

And the rest of my life is so much more than a carb.

My journey with PCOS (so far)

I remember for the longest time suspecting something was wrong.

Nothing in particular jumped out at me.  There were lots of little things.

Little things like-

Eating the same as when I worked my way down to a size 2 when I was pregnant with my daughter but ballooning up 85 pounds.  The doctors joked my daughter would be 10 pounds and she would be huge (because I was so huge.)   She came out 7 pounds 4 ounces...jerks.

Going back to my doctor for weightloss and plateauing for three months.  As a result they discontinued my relationship with them because "I wasn't trying" to lose weight.  I followed the diet and exercised the same as I did before...

Then-the bad summer happened.  At first I didn't notice it, my husband brought it to my attention that I was "shedding" too much hair in the shower. Now ladies, when you have long hair-you know that it tends to just fall out more.  Now his comment was more of a complaint of my failure to clean it out-but the reality was-I did!!  Just a lot of hair fell out.  It came out in chunks-think of a 2 inch ribbon.  That's how much hair was coming out.   I was scared to wash my hair because when I messaged it-it would just pull out in chunks. 

I had other hormonal issues that occurred and I just about had it.  I had to bounce around three different doctors, the first told me I was fine (also implied I was overweight because I was over eating and lazy), the second one ran some tests and couldn't really do anything so he referred me to my third wonderful doctor.   Actually he referred me to another doctor-but he was booked up.  The young amazing doctor was open-so I went to her.  I do think that did make a big difference.

I remember sitting in the room the first time.  My hair was in a bun (trying to cover up all the bald spots from the hair loss) and I pulled my pony tail holder out.  Gobs of hair floated to the floor, I ran my hand through my hair and an entire full handful came out.  "That is definitely not okay."

So then the lab tests began.  Now when I tell you I think I've been in a lab if not once every three months for the beginning to then once every three weeks to try to pin point what was wrong with me.

Finally it was concluded I had PCOS.  Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

"The best way to treat PCOS is with weight loss.  Weightloss with PCOS is extremely difficult."

No problem, I thought.  I can eat tuna, egg whites, salad, whatever it takes. 

The problem is-nothing "took."

"PCOS can cause issues with fertility and also can result in infertility."

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

Okay-this is when my heart fell in my stomach-I wanted to get pregnant again.

Then the labs came back.

"Right now your hormone levels are not in the right place to have a successful healthy pregnancy."

Okay....so now what?

"Let's try medication A"

Three months later....

"That's not working so let's try medication B"

Three months later....

"Let's add medication C to medication B and see if that helps with your insulin resistance."

What is insulin resistance?

Oh this lovely LOVELY little issue when your body just doesn't play well with glucose.  

WHICH IS IN ALMOST EVERYTHING.

Wanna eat a carrot?  TOO BAD!

Wanna eat an apple?  TOO BAD!

It's all going to turn into fat on your hips, waist and butt.  You will have back rolls, arm rolls and a double (or triple) chin-if you try to eat anything normal.

No problem-I'll go on Weight Watchers.

Body "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! NO!"

Yeah....six months with a personal trainer-following their lovely plan and I lost....6 pounds.

Wah wah wah....

So then my amazing acupuncturist (hey don't knock til you try it) who helped me with the cyst pain

by putting one hundred needles in my abdomen (no lie I was tempted to take a pic of my porcupine like stomach-but let's be realistic...I won't take a pic of my stomach for ANY THING) referred me to apparently the best endocrinologist in my city for PCOS/fertility.  At this point-I fought the good fight of dieting, exercising daily and doing everything I could possibly do that my doctor told me to do and I was making NO progress.  My hair started to grow back-in little spikes everywhere but my cyst pain was awful and I couldn't lose weight.

So off to my amazing endocrinologist.  Wham bam-tons of tests, an ultrasound and lots of vials of blood later she told me some pretty amazing things!  

One, my pregnancy with my daughter more than likely caused my PCOS.

Great....but she's worth it.  Moving on...

Two-since I could get pregnant on my own-chances are I could successfully be pregnant again!!

WOOOOHOOOO!

But there's a big catch-I might have to have "assisted" fertility treatment and/or lots of medication-hormonal therapy for it to happen.  Also none if it is guaranteed-so there's also the risk of spending thousands and thousands of dollars for a failed pregnancy.

Three- She wanted me to go to a PCOS/Fertility weight loss doctor-the best in the city...

WOOOHOOOOO! Sign me up!

....and he had a three month weighting (get it-har har) list...

So what it was worth it.  I'll lose weight, I'll have a baby and live happily ever PCOS after.

Three months later....

I meet the hardest man to see in my city-no lie.  It was amazing the waiting list for him.  

They run tests (just take my blood already...) and tests and tests...they weigh me (fuuuuuun) and measure my waist.  

The scale-by the way was one of those MASSIVE ones-like the size of my couch.  It can weigh up to 1,000 pounds.  The nurse told me that they've gotten close (oh myyyyyyyyyy.)

So he and I talk.

He pulls up my labs from all my visits over the past year-

he looks at it.  

He asks me about my life.

I tell him.  

He then suggests that I remove stress. He highly suggests it.  Actually he insist that if I do not remove my large stress factors, I will not be successful in getting pregnant.

What told him?  My blood.

Silly blood.

Apparently my job (really more than likely the commute) was the key factor in my body rebelling against me.

Now the major problems happened in the summer...when I wasn't working so why the job?

Because apparently my stress was making my hormones VERY ANGRY.

Apparently my angry hormones are very very bad for pregnancy (oh and of course losing weight too...grrrr) 

As for the diet-he told me to eat lots of fat...and salt.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Yes, apparently I need to do a low carb diet since I'm insulin resistant which makes sense-but I needed to do a low carb, moderate protein and high fat diet-also known as the ketogenic diet.

Now this diet is pretty insane when you first think about it.

Basically your body runs on glucose.  Do you ever get that 3:00-4:00 cranky time?  When you need to snack, pass out, take a nap or drink 10 esspressos to fell normal?  Yeah.. me too.

Well that is due to blood sugar (glucose.)

So the problem with me-is that my body takes pretty much all my glucose and turns it into fat.  It doesn't use it like it should.  So I as a result end up exhausted with that 3:00-4:00 cranky time all the time-without the intervention of major caffeine supplies.

I remember the year before having to have a cup of coffee every two hours to keep me going...

yeah.  THAT is not normal.  

So the ketogenic diet makes you run on KETONES-aka FAT.  

What the.....?

Yeah-fat.  Like BUTTER.  Like animal FAT (think BACON.)  Like CHEESE.  

OH GLORIOUS CHEESE!! I GET TO EAT CHEESE?!?  WELL OKAY THEN.

This...doesn't sound so bad after all.

Well...I still have to calorie count, and it is pretty low.

I still have to hit the gym about two hours a day....(we'll talk about that at another post.)

And I have to take all my stupid meds and supplements.  (Vitamin D, B, etc)

So I talk to my better half (the husband) and we talk about if I we can afford to have me stay home for a while.

We research and research and research for two weeks.  Then we come to a conclusion that it is do able.  

So to be nice to my job (that actually I loved doing for nine years) I resigned to give them enough time to hire someone to take my spot.  It was emotional, I cried a lot.  There in my bosses office and then for about a week or so after.  I still get upset knowing what I left behind.

But I basically had to choose my health (and future pregnancy) or my job.

A really amazing friend and colleague told me that I could always go back.  That and I would really enjoy being a full time mommy with my little one.

Luckily my coworkers, my family and my friends supported me.

Some people were mad and were disappointed in my choice-but I don't think they understood my situation.

I spent the past year with major pain-debilitating pain that would leave me curled in ball crying for days and there was NOTHING I could do about it.

Well.  Now I am.

I've been on the ketogenic diet since July and I am happy to report I am down 14 pounds.

It has been hard.  The diet is strict (no yummy desserts-I have such a sweet tooth) and no occasional glass of wine (or any alcohol for that matter.)

My husband bakes amazing homemade bread-so smelling that is slightly torturous but other than that-it's not so bad.

Now a lot of people do the Ketogenic diet in different ways-

Mine is: 1,400 calories

5% carbohydrates (mostly spinach or broccoli-sometimes cauliflower, asparagus or brussel sprouts)

75-80% Fat  (Butter, Eggs, Bacon, Coconut Oil, Olive Oil, Cheese, MCT oil, Coconut Butter, Fatty meats) 

20-25%  Protein  (Obviously meat-fatty kinds)

I have stevia for sweetening tea and other things.  I had to cut out sugar free candy because my body doesn't process it well.  So I have to be very careful with sweet things (the most I could have of frozen/or fresh berries is a 1/4 of a cup.)

It's been an adjustment.  There's been tears.  There's been anger and frustration.

There's also been a bit of resentment of my stupid body screwing up my career and metabolism-but hey-this is my only life to live and I really should be as healthy as can be.

I'll try to post updates on here.

I thought staying home would make my life completely stress free-but it's funny how busy I've managed to become!  Busy...not stressed though :)

To all my cysters (fellow PCOS girls out there) I send all my love and support.  This is a crazy disease that can rip you apart and make you feel helpless.  Just trust there are many of us out there that know what you're going through and send you nothing but love and support.

Thanks for reading!  Here's to a better tomorrow!!